Really, I’m probably meant to jump up behind you in a Leatherface mask and scream, but then I’m liable to end up disabled by a kung fu reflex self-defence strike or accidently scare you to death and consequently go down on a manslaughter charge. I can’t take that kind of rap, man. Guys like me don’t do well in prison. What kind of a society is this that we consider it okay to impose ourselves on people’s domestic lives and make threats if they don’t hand over candy?...

Bandslam follows fast in the footsteps of Disney productions Hannah Montana: The Movie and Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience as yet another feature-length release that revolves around, like, totally rockin’ teenagers. Except they aren’t rockin’: they are resolutely bland and insipid. This isn’t rock ‘n’ roll. Rock ‘n’ roll is edgy, dirty, challenges authority, lives dangerously and doesn’t push you in the direction of the Disney Store. Whatever this is (I’d say, subjectively, that it’s poor quality pop product) and whether it’s bad or not, it definitely isn’t burning with the rebellious spirit of rock ‘n’ roll....

As Kuvira’s forces poise themselves to move on Zaofu, Bolin and Varrick come to realize that the “great uniter” might be mildly batshit. Kuvira, being one smart cookie, sniffs out the faults in their loyalty and makes the appropriate threats, confirming that hers is a side they do not want to be on. They and Zhu Li attempt an escape in the mecha suits, but Baatar Jr. isn’t about to let them get away so easy....

Korra’s reunion with Asami and Mako turns out to be fraught with more than a little resentment, but when an abduction attempt on Prince Wu forces them to work together, they quickly table their issues to rescue him. In the process, Korra puts to good use the spiritual connectivity she learned from Toph to track Wu, who’s been thrown on a train headed for Kuvira’s current location. Meanwhile, Bolin and Varrick run into a group of “re-education camp” refugees, who were imprisoned by Kuvira’s forces for the simple crime of having foreign blood (and thus foreign bending)....

This five-word declaration may not seem like much. Considering the fact that filmmakers have been trying to adapt author Steve Alten’s thriller Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror since its publication in July 1997, however, it’s practically a megalodon-sized miracle that this movie even exists. Before Warner Bros. got their hands on the property, Disney and New Line Cinema tried turning it into a movie. Before Statham and Turteltaub got involved, directors as varied as Jan de Bont, Guillermo Del Toro, and Eli Roth had circled the waters, looking for chum....

2.3 A Prison Without Walls The ability to stand still every so often works wonders for a thriller. Quiet moments don’t just offer a slip road away from the roaring influx of revelation, they allow tension to build and realisations to gradually dawn. Characters are given a chance to breathe uninterrupted by the noise of plot. The Missing, gripping as it is, could afford to stand still a little more often....

Eric Roberts While his younger sister, Julia, was infecting cinema screens in the 1990 uber-shit chick-flick hit Pretty Woman, Eric was busy with such classics as, er… The Ambulance. Much of the time, he’s appearing in straight-to-DVD B-movie material, like the ridiculous DOA: Dead Or Alive. Other times, he’s doing a turn in TV dramas, such as Heroes, in which he played the cold-hearted Thompson. He’s even had a go at comedy, with the vaguely amusing sitcom Less Than Perfect....

Of course, if you’re like me and care not a jot for the ‘C’ word (that’s “continuity”) then Mona Lisa’s Revenge is a rip-roaring, rollicking riot. Her performance will either enthrall or repulse. Personally, I lurved it. The notion that the Mona Lisa is a voluptuous alien with a Mancuncian accent looking for some action is a long neglected trope in sci-fi that needs re-addressing. Keeping up the rear in the acting department is Jeff “Drop The Dead Donkey” Rawle....

At the start of the film, they’re commiserating over Audrey’s dickish boyfriend Drew (Justin Theroux) dumping her by text, the week before her birthday. On the night of her party, just as she and Morgan are about to burn his remaining possessions, he gets back in touch and inadvertently brings a bunch of international espionage down on their heads. Among his other foibles, Drew is a CIA agent on the run from his bosses and a bevy of assassins, dropping the two friends into a dangerous mission to deliver a crucial McGuffin across Europe....

The tale begins in the Middle Ages with the alchemists, those quixotic researchers who, the history books tell us, pursued the secret of turning lead into gold. But far from the ‘deluded mystics’ or snake oil salesmen that popular history depicts them as, the alchemists laid the groundwork for modern, empirical science. Pioneering alchemist Henning Brand also believed that gold could be acquired by distilling human urine (they obviously drank a lot of Australian lager in the 17th century)....

3.8 White Light Well this week, that order came crashing down as The Strain fully reveals exactly what the Master and Eichhorst are building. The episode opens with Eichhorst and a few of his cronies testing out their new human abattoir. Eichhorst gets pissed off (because that’s what Nazi vampires do), and hangs one of his minions on his hook and we get to see exactly how the automated slaughterhouse works....

The Strain Season 3 Episode 9 As of this writing, I have not yet seen the premiere of The Walking Dead. I have no idea who will die in Negan’s circle, but I do now that TWD will have a hard time matching the pain and sadness that came with not one, but two major deaths on this week’s episode of The Strain. So right now, I would like to eulogize those said casualties – Councilwoman Justine Feraldo and the ex-luchador, friend of Gus- Angel de Plata himself – Angel Guzman Hurtado....

The Strain Season 4 Episode 4 Oh dear, now that’s a cliffhanger. Two weeks back, the always brave and capable Dutch Vanders was caught trying to free one of her friends from the baby factory she was imprisoned in. In that episode, it seemed like Dutch was caught and was going to become the main course of a strigoi banquet. Thankfully, the strigoi, specifically human traitor Sanjay Desai, saw a use for Dutch as a strigoi operative within the breeding factory designed to gain the trust of the female chattel held by the vamps....

What we don’t want to see is Malcolm Tucker have a heart. You see, underneath his flaming piss-driven anger, there shouldn’t be a man just trying to do his job. There should be more piss, and more flames, and definitely more anger. Who is Malcolm supposed to be now? He was initially a clear take-off of Alistair Campbell, but Campbell left his job. The rest of the show has moved with the political times....

20. Wulverblade Remember Asterix? Well, image the heroic Gaul, only Scottish, and less Bill Oddie. Wulverblade is a side-scrolling, Golden Axe-style cartoon fighter that looks quite slick, and features full 1080p visuals, tons of unlockables and an ‘EPIC twist that you will never see coming’. 19. Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime With a title as interesting as the game itself, this is a striking-looking indie release that sees you control the titular lovers piloting a spherical spaceship through dangerous space....

The titular rager comes courtesy of Rebekah, who returns to the show along with brother Klaus this week. Lost and alone as usual, she tries to court favour with those she’s previously wronged. This excludes Elena, and the two of them go at it like wild cats. With Elena newly undead and heightened in every possible way, she doesn’t handle the stress very well. Scrambling around for the white oak stake (which Damon reluctantly gives her), attempting to stab her with pencils in class and upstaging her at her own party, this is a new, more impulsive Elena....

7.11 Things We Lost In The Fire & 7.12 Postcards From The Edge At least, that’s how it was supposed to go. In the early days, this show killed people all the time but, as the seasons have gone on, that’s become a less and less frequent occurrence. This looks like it might stick. Of course, the previous ‘oh no they didn’t’ moment of Damon waking up from his pink moonstone coma and murdering all of his friends (plus Matt) was immediately reversed once he realised where he was, so it’s likely that the episode was attempting to unseat its audience in as many ways as possible....

5.6 Consumed Consumed is a surprisingly compact episode. There’s very little flash, all things considered, aside from the standard zombie hack and slash stuff. It’s more a mystery story peppered with lots of little flashbacks about what Carol’s been doing and how Carol has been adapting to her new world. We see her racing back from exile to check on the gang at the prison when she sees those telltale flames, which matches one of writer Matthew Negrete’s big ideas in this episode: the old ways, the old Carol, the old Daryl, the old life keeps getting burned away and replaced with something different....

6.6 Always Accountable And now, we’ve got Abraham. He’s got a way with words—colourful rather than classy—and a very distinctive flat-top and moustache combination that makes him instantly recognisable. The way he kills zombies is another great thing in his corner, because everyone loves a skull-smashing dude with ridiculous facial hair. It seems that with every episode, Abraham seems to grow more and more appealing and popular, thanks in no small part to the way the character is written....

If you don’t know her name, you’ve seen her work as a background artist throughout the Disney renaissance, in films such as The Little Mermaid, The Rescuers Down Under and Beauty And The Beast, and in a personal guilty pleasure for this writer, Rover Dangerfield. She started working for Pixar on the first Toy Story, and has since worked on Monsters Inc and Cars, before ascending to the role of art director for their latest feature....