3.11 If I Only Had a Raw Brain First, there’s Aidan, who finds that Kenny is officially done with his bubble boy lifestyle and is ready for Aidan to either put up or shut up when it comes to getting fangy with Kenny’s neck. Aidan reluctantly agrees and takes Kenny out of his bubble to spend a few days living as a teenage human boy before he gets stuck in perpetual adolescence (truly, the saddest part of Kenny’s story is that he’ll be forever stuck at the actual worst phase in human existence). So Aidan brings Kenny to stay in the house because apparently there’s just an open door policy for wayward teens now. Josh is completely against the idea, but Nora surprises everyone by taking Aidan’s side, pointing out that if they can use their curses to help people, they should. She and Aidan share a smile and I forgive them both for the tedium of their feud. So at the strip club, Kenny sees an attractive stripper, but Emily kindly informs him that she stands a better chance with her than he does. Kenny boasts about how in a few days he could have anyone he wanted, prompting Aidan to grab him and literally say, “First rule of vampires is do not talk about vampires!” And I know I frequently make up alternative, sarcastic dialogue in these recaps so I need you to know that those are the actual words that come out of his actual mouth, okay? Because it was a beautiful moment and it was 100% real. Meanwhile, Emily thinks it’s time for the betrothed to get his very own lapdance and Josh complains that his bachelor party isn’t for the groom, it’s for the groom’s lesbian sister and she just looks at him like, “Is that a problem?” Have I mentioned lately how much I love Emily? I just wanted to get it out there one last time before I get incredibly sad because of what happens next. But all is not lost, because Aidan has apparently taken to carrying around a stake all the time just in case he needed to protect Josh. It’s one of those things that’s beyond absurd without context, but within this show manages to be an incredibly sweet and thoughtful gesture. Unfortunately, Emily saw it happen and proceeds to freak out. Josh awkwardly explains that no, he wasn’t mentally ill before when his family found his journals; he really is a werewolf and Aidan is really a vampire. Emily, fairly, asks why, if he hates it so much, he’s marrying another werewolf and living with a vampire, and Josh points out that they love and accept him the same way that he loves and accepts Emily. And again, fairly, she asks how on earth being a lesbian is at all the same as being a murderer, and storms off into the night. Josh and Emily are among my favorite siblings on television, so to say this is heartbreaking is an understatement. I doubt the show will have time to repair that relationship before the finale, so here’s hoping for a season four reunion. So once that’s out of the way, Aidan takes Kenny to the basement and promises that he’ll protect Kenny’s babyvamp self from getting staked the way the stripper was, so Kenny presents his neck and Aidan chows down. But all is not as hopeful as it seems, for Kat’s professor is back as the creeper who followed Aidan around the whole episode. Aidan manages to stake him, but the bigger question is how he managed to turn him in the first place. Is sleep-siring even a thing? Meanwhile with Sally, she demands that Josh and Nora lock her in her bedroom so that she doesn’t eat anyone, and then cries about how she was looking forward to their wedding. And since Josh has apparently recently adopted the motto, “Don’t get mad, just get murdering,” he grabs his trusty gun and the three of them stalk over to Donna’s soup kitchen… only to find the building completely gone. Back in her bedroom prison, Nora decides to have a bachlorette party of her own by shoving a penis straw under Sally’s door, and the two of them sit there on opposites sides drinking wine coolers and talking about dresses and hair and flowers and it’s the best thing ever. No, wait. The actual best thing ever is when Sally says, “I want to come out there, but I also want to eat you,” and Nora, cool as you please, just goes, “I understand.” Bless this show. I mean that sincerely. Bless it. Somewhere in the midst of his Kenny adventures, Aidan finds time to visit Sally, and when she asks him to kill him, he proceeds to lift his shirt and offer her his stomach to eat since he’ll heal. She complains about how strong his muscles are and he says, “Sorry! I’m nervous!” and it’s beautifully awkward, it really is. I know Sally and Aidan’s counterparts have a romantic relationship on the UK version of this show, and I kept trying to picture how on earth these two could go from stomach eating to romance and, well. Best mental image ever, right? So Sally heads off to say goodbye to Max and then Ray shows up at the exorcist’s house and snaps her neck. And this is when I suddenly remember Donna doing something to his body in the first episode of the season and I shout at the TV because the episode can’t end there! Is it Monday yet? There are only two more episodes of this season left and I don’t know how I’m expected to wait an entire week for the next episode. Follow our Twitter feed for faster news and bad jokes right here. And be our Facebook chum here.
