Episode four added some dodgy CG work to the mix – ‘The Cradle of Civilization’ featured graphics that could have been rendered on an Atari ST circa 1989. If you were taken aback by the Captain Pugwash rope swinging from the debut episode, just wait ’till you see the risible killer snakes lurking here – it’s clear the BBC’s effects department spared every expense. And did you know that a snake’s vision is like a 3D movie sans the coloured specs? Educational stuff.
Like Gene Hunt in Life on Mars, Parton’s a mildly sexist, gravelly voiced alpha male with a fondness for alcohol, and like Hunt, plays second fiddle to other characters far less interesting than himself. We’re expected to care about the non-existent sexual tension between Ben and grumpy Gillian and their tedious banter, when all we really want to hear is ‘Dolly’ Parton mumbling drunkenly about etruscan pottery (or, more likely, Vivian’s breasts) as he knocks back another can of Special Brew.
We’re also meant to be somehow intrigued by what Adrian Lester rather optimistically described as a ‘big underlying mystery that goes through the whole six-episode series.’ Of course, the legendary sword that’s unfailingly referred to in every episode might not be Excalibur – it could be Connor McCleod’s out of Highlander, I suppose. Or He-Man’s.
‘Archaeology. One part digging around in the dirt to ten parts bookkeeping. Are we having fun yet?’
‘One brick is how every city in the world begins…’
With its unfailingly awful script, 3D snake POV shots, dreadful CG and a particularly ropey sequence that appeared to use a gravel pit in Ipswich as a stand in for Iraq, this was vintage Bonekickers – in other words, complete and utter rubbish.
