Yet, my mind goes back to Hardy, an apparently E L James-approved scribe that created Bathsheba Everdene, the complex heroine who also had an older man leering after her to physically dangerous ends. Would Bathsheba in a modern context likewise find the greatest romantic dilemma of her life to be the fine print around a weekend sex slave contract? But here we are. She’s doe-eyed, bookish, naïve and purely virginal; he’s dark, mysterious, obscenely wealthy, and considers sweet nothings to include “I don’t make love: I fuck.” Ergo, when Anastasia somehow gets to interview the strapping young billionaire Christian in his glistening tower, she doesn’t stand a chance. And to make sure you realise this, she trips when she first meets him and fumbles around asking why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Faster than you can say Red Room of Pain, Christian is deflowering her and all that is left to be discussed are the details of what she will and will not permit him to do with her body, as relayed via contract. He wants her to sign in ink, but don’t worry – he has other plans for the blood. However, the bigger surprise for Fifty Shades Of Grey as a movie is how other than in the carnal scenes, this romantic melodrama is played numbingly straight. And I don’t mean in the biblical sense. At its core, Fifty Shades Of Grey is a fairly turgid soap that functions mostly as a framework for its wanton set-pieces. However, by virtue of the limitations inherent of a wide release, those set-pieces must be restrained, and the effect would not be dissimilar to if Michael Bay was refused the ability to blow stuff up. Instead, director Sam Taylor-Johnson is forced to frame the passion by zeroing in on the noticeable chemistry between her two appealing leads. As a result, she strangely finds her best success from creating situational comedy. Fifty Shades is well aware why the viewers are there, so the telegraphed double entendres, again mostly at Anastasia’s oblivious expense, act as their own sadistic form of teasing – one that yields better satisfaction than the attempt to rearrange E L James’ yarn into a great romance of star-crossed passions. Filling in for that skin are Dakota Johnson and James Dornan, who both have an undeniable crackle. While Dornan being a billionaire CEO seems dubious at best, he is more believable with a fistful of rope. Johnson also plays subservient and confused well enough; it’s only when the third act conflicts not occurring in the Red Room are raised that either really falters with characters as thin as Christian’s ties. There is undoubtedly an audience for Fifty Shades Of Grey that will make the film a blockbuster no matter what, which is no worse than the soulless CGI product shoveled to other demographics every summer. But therein lies the rub. It’s hard to find love at the bottom of a spreadsheet, no matter how appealing the figures it otherwise presents. And Fifty Shades is very much product, right down to its non-ending that begs for a sequel like every other franchise film these days. For such a lascivious subject matter, this film is painfully normal. If you want to find a perverse BDSM love story, Steven Shainberg’s Secretary (2002) is infinitely kinkier, as well as a true quixotic romance with real performances. Fifty Shades is just naughty Valentine’s Day role-play in comparison. Oh, and while we’ve got you, Pride is out on DVD and Blu-ray in the UK next month. It’s great, and deserves your support. Follow our Twitter feed for faster news and bad jokes right here. And be our Facebook chum here.
