This week, we’re handing back over to the brilliant Jo Challacombe, who wants to talk about ‘deliberate loneliness’… Perhaps you are living in loneliness after a bad breakup, or consciously retreating as protection from an abusive situation. Maybe you turned to isolation after years of disappointment from others or failed attempts at socialising. Or perhaps, you have been lonely for so long, you can’t even remember why. Personally, as someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I often impose social isolation upon myself for my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of others. Shutting myself away from the world shields me from the stress of dealing with people’s reactions when I am in full-blown BPD mode, and from the very real consequences of my disorder. When I am alone, at least I am safe. But it isn’t simple, is it? Because it’s lonely. The problem with staying away from everything to protect yourself from the bad, is that you also protect yourself from the good. Not connecting with people may mean I am never in a situation to cause them grief, but it also means I am never in the situation to experience the joy and positivity of having meaningful relationships and social interaction. Perhaps, not forming relationships may mean you are never hurt again, but it also means you may never meet that wonderful, understanding person who is ideal for you. It often seems easier to be alone, but as humans we simply cannot sustain the negative impact of loneliness forever. Eventually it catches up with us, leading to apathy and depression. It may be a short-term solution for immediate safety, but it’s not a way of life. I am lucky that I am stubborn, and I refuse to allow myself to suffer loneliness for the rest of my life. I am also a realist, and I understand and appreciate that simply parading myself out into society without preparation could lead to unwanted stress and anxiety. If you are not used to socialising, or like me, you have mental health symptoms which make socialising difficult, it is wise to take small steps to build up your confidence, trust and coping skills one step at a time. Ending loneliness is a process. A good place to start is with organisations that have been put in place specifically to support people who are feeling isolated or who are having difficulties socialising due to their mental health or past experiences. It also means it can be one-sided. You can use the service when you need it, and retreat when you want a break. Relationships, whether family, friendship or intimate require give and take, which can be exhausting to someone unfamiliar with the exchange. Individuals also come with their own beautiful and complex world views for you to navigate alongside your own. Attempting to live up to these expectations too soon and without practice can be challenging. Counselling sessions, group therapy or supportive courses and workshops removes this pressure while you develop new social skills. Every day I take small steps I discover that loneliness Isn’t the only way to stay safe and I can learn how to manage my health and enjoy connecting with others. If you feel you are ‘lonely on purpose’ too, some helpful organisations and advice include; Thanks, as always, for reading. Stay awesome.
