This week, we’re proud as punch to add Chloe Catchpole to the Den Of Geek team, and she sent us this wonderful piece on the battles that she faces on a day to day basis. Chloe: we think you’re awesome. Over to you… I feared school picture day more than any other, dreading the thought of my severe ugliness being captured and turned into a physical media available for purchase. The minute it was over I shoved the photo proof into the bottom of my school bag away from prying eyes and felt emphatically mortified for the photographer who had laid eyes upon me. The symptoms of BDD etched away silently over the next few years leading me ever closer to a waterfall of soul-crushing destruction. As I moved on and into college my social life quickly decreased, the friends I once had drifted apart and I felt increasingly isolated. Another sudden death in my immediate family (the second in an eight month time frame) tipped me over the edge and the catastrophic grief snowballed into anxiety, depression and BDD. I shut myself off from the world not wanting to continue with life, I began to self-harm regularly in order to reflect the excruciating pain I felt mentally. I seldom left my bedroom due to being so ashamed of the disfigured gargoyle-esque reflection I saw. My brain was on venomous critical overdrive, the fear of being seen in public and judged on by my appearance was vomit inducing. Social interactions are still an intimidating task, I automatically assume everyone I meet hates me and that they are only being agreeable to be polite. Compliments are also a no go area in general, I feel totally embarrassed in receiving any, utterly convinced that said person is lying and has an ulterior motive. This paranoid way of thinking is infinitely tiring, there is no living in the moment, no spontaneous joy. Everything is numb and detached and I constantly long for the safety of home and invisibility. I hope one day that life will become more bearable and that my BDD’s anguishing grip will loosen (even just slightly). To anyone suffering the same plight I want you to know that you are not alone and please don’t suffer in silence.
BDD Foundation: http://bddfoundation.org/Mind: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd/OCD UK: http://www.ocduk.org/bddAnxiety UK: https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/our-services/anxiety-information/anxiety-disorders/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd/
Thanks, as always, for reading.
