This week, one of our contributors has something to say about emotional abuse. We’re handing over to her… From August 2016 till June this year I was in a relationship with a guy called Adam (not his real name). Adam was an artist, into animation and we hit it off immediately. We both loved music, I was full of movie recommendations for him, he was writing me up a list of TV shows that I needed in my life; it was so much fun I could hardly believe my luck. In the beginning it was an absolute joy to be with someone as creative as Adam. I wouldn’t describe my writing about films and telly ‘creative’, but there is a process of creating when you’re writing articles and reviews and that process is something that’s shared in varying degrees by anyone I’ve met who writes or makes or draws (unless you’re one of those people to whom this comes easily, in which case, I’m ridiculously jealous of you). Adam and I naturally came together to talk about our work, we were encouraging and constructive and it was great, right up until the point that it wasn’t. It was a slow and steady progression after that. From inferring that I shouldn’t send pieces in, to gently telling me I wasn’t up to scratch, things like “Babe, I don’t think this is great”, “Babe, this isn’t very good”, as if the “Babe” softened the blow at all. Then it was things like “I don’t think you’re cut out for this”, “I think you should stop, you’re embarrassing yourself sending that to people”, “It’s ok to quit, I don’t think you’re not going to make it, Babe”. If it wasn’t so awful I’d be kind of amazed by the power those words had on me. I can still hear them in my head as I type this. It doesn’t take a lot to plant a seed of self-doubt in my head. I am, as I’m sure many of you are, quite self-deprecating. Mainly to raise a laugh but, as much as I detest amateur self- psychology, there’s maybe a bit of impostor syndrome going on too. My predisposition to assume myself less capable, coupled with the fact the critique was coming from him, the person I’d liked enough to trust with the thing that I was proudest of, was enough to convince me that he was on to something. I’m not one to shy away from constructive criticism, I actively encourage it, but his word were not in that vein. They were deliberately harsh and delivered in a slow, steady stream over weeks and months. And so I stopped writing. I couldn’t handle his berating so I stopped doing the thing that made me happiest. But, it didn’t end there, Adam just found other things to slate me about. What I wore, how I did my hair, how much make up I had on, how I spoke, things I posted on social media, it didn’t really matter what it was as long as he could criticise me about it. It’s death by a thousand cuts when you’re in a relationship like that, a sort of cumulative misery that creeps up on you over time. I didn’t feel like I could share it with anyone so I let him chip away at my confidence, making me feel more and more alone. I can’t tell you what it was that made me leave; I genuinely can’t remember what he said and what he said it about, but something in me snapped so I got up and walked away. I know now I should’ve gone long before then and reading this back I’m angry at my past self for not realising it sooner, but hindsight is 20/20 and it doesn’t do us well to pick over the woulds and shoulds and coulds. Emotional abuse is, understandably, a fuzzy area for a lot of people. If your partner has shouted at you, ‘abuse’ might seem like an overly dramatic word to use; a lot of couples have rough patches so how do you differentiate between that and abuse? For me it was the fact this happened over a sustained period of time, not just the criticisms but the guilt tripping and undermining; Adam’s behaviour made me feel controlled and like I couldn’t share what was happening. If you think this might be happening to you I would urge you to speak to someone – a friend, a family member, anyone with whom you feel comfortable. There are plenty of online places for you to seek advice as well; Women’s Aid and The Men’s Advice Line both have helplines and e-mail addresses that you can get in touch with to speak about domestic abuse. Also the charity Relate has a great page with information specifically about emotional abuse and their website is a great resource for anyone looking for any kind of relationship advice. You don’t have to be alone in this, there are people who want to help you. At their best, relationships help us grow and improve ourselves and we have no way of doing that if our nearest and dearest aren’t honest with us. But if a person is with you so they can criticise you, make you feel guilty and run your self-esteem into the ground then that is a problem. You are worth more that and you deserve better. Thanks, as always, for reading.
