I had an anxiety attack over breakfast this morning. This isn’t anything new to me, but the severity was something I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I weighed myself and looked into a full-length mirror beforehand, and it all went to hell after. I ended up tossing everything in the bin except for my tea, and then felt guilty for those who would’ve given anything for the meal that I so ungratefully discarded. When I entered high school, and had quit therapy, I began purging. I’d feel anxious and would break down into tears after eating, and realised that forcing myself to throw up eased my anxiety attacks. I’d restrict for days, eating nothing more than a carrot or two, and maybe a piece of fruit. And sometimes that gnawing anxiety would still consume me. If I couldn’t purge, I would self-harm to ease the anxiety. I purged and restricted on-and-off for nearly 20 years, and I absolutely feel the effects of my actions on my health today. I have hypothyroidism, which makes losing weight extremely difficult for me. I do work out at the gym and see results from my routine, but I can only do so much before I start to feel light-headed or a migraine sets in, likely from poor nutrition. I hover around a certain weight that’s not terrible, but in my mind I could always be 10-15 pounds lighter. This has always been. I will never feel content. Just by looking at me, no one would know that I struggle daily with this. When I stand next to a dear friend, whom I view as stunningly beautiful, I swear that we have the same body size and shape. She is heavier than I am. She looks at me as though I am utterly insane and tries to understand, but I’m ecstatic that she doesn’t. I’m the first person to say to someone that there are no set standards for health or beauty, that there is no one perfect body weight, but I’m the last person to actually listen to myself. Thank you, as always, for reading. Helpful links

BDD Foundation: http://bddfoundation.org/BEAT https://www.b-eat.co.uk/Mind: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd/OCD UK: http://www.ocduk.org/bddAnxiety UK: https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/our-services/anxiety-information/anxiety-disorders/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd/