This week, we’re handing over to Jo Challacombe to chat about The Victim Addiction… You were blameless and it was unfair. You were a victim. But maybe you are experiencing another effect of the past, one you might not even realise – the victim addiction. An exercise Criticism of this person’s behaviour, even if they have behaved unacceptably, results in you becoming the “bad guy”. Their emotional sensitivity is hard to handle. You’re left feeling so uncomfortable around this person, you have no choice but to walk away. This person is addicted to playing out the role of the victim – chances are, they’re not even aware of it. They’re stuck in “fight mode” and can’t get out of it. My name is Jo and I have a victim addiction I have a personality disorder that is notorious for symptoms that are drama-inducing; Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as Emotional Instability Disorder. I know first-hand what it’s like to feel like a victim. To feel constantly attacked, to feel like everyone is against me, and to feel all alone. I have to work very hard on my self-awareness to stop my victim addiction from swelling out of control. Overcoming the inner victim It’s not your fault if you have developed a victim addiction. Genuinely bad things did happen to you at some point, no matter how big or small, or people from your past were hurtful. Learning how to be a victim got you through the tough times. The problem is, now you don’t know how to stop feeling like a victim. It’s your automatic response to stress and challenges. You can easily become defensive and angry towards anyone who doesn’t agree that you are the victim in a situation. The question is, is this habit helpful or hurtful? I bet you spend quite a few days feeling angry and bitter about people who have wronged you. I bet you play out situations in your mind, wondering why these things keep happening to you – feeling that it’s not fair. I bet you feel persecuted more often than you don’t. And, I bet this constant fight response is pretty exhausting and stressful to you and you just want to be a relaxed and happy person. Learning to let go The best antidote to a victim addiction is letting go. To let go successfully, you have to accept that you are not in the past anymore and the situation you are angry about now is not the same situation that hurt you before. It means accepting that you may (note the “may”) have contributed to a current problem through your own behaviour or by making a mistake (which is okay and doesn’t make you a bad person). Next time you feel a knee-jerk reaction rising, ask yourself these questions: Q. Is it possible these feelings of anger/defensiveness are being triggered because this situation reminds me of hurt from my past? Q. Is this person who has upset me really completely at fault? Could my own behaviour have contributed to the situation? Q. Before I post this statement online/text this message/speak to a colleague, am I 100% sure that I am not wanting to create conflict because I feel abused? Your “Tough Love” talk You are no longer a victim. You are responsible for keeping yourself out of genuine danger, but this does not include working overtime to attack every person who challenges you. These aren’t easy things to learn and you may require the help of a qualified professional. What’s important is that you are willing to begin. Finally, I want you to know that you are an amazing person – taking responsibility for a victim addiction is very brave. Thanks, as always, for reading.
