“We should have got the fast passes,” says one of your party. You know they’re right, but it already cost a ridiculously large amount to get in and at the time you flat-out refused to pay any more through indignation.
Finally you’re on the film.
“This had better be fucking good now,” says the audience, united as one.
“She’s wicked. I think I’m going to give her this ring,” says Orlando, Florida.
“No, you fucking don’t,” says Frodo, grabbing it and then taking a nine hour stroll, twelve if you watch the extended cut.
“Alright Keira” says Orlando, Florida.
“Fuck off Disney World, Orlando, Florida. We have no screen chemistry at all. Bring old Johnny Depp on. He’s always dancing away, like he’s in the Rolling Stones or something,” she responds.
“Isn’t Keith Richards his Dad?” questions Gareth from The Office.
“Yeah,” says Keira “but I wish he wasn’t. He might be a Rolling Stone but Keith Richards is no actor.”
Then Johnny Depp turns up and we all have such a laugh. He was mincing it up and dancing away. I suppose you had to be there.
Now there’s a dead ghost pirate after Johnny Depp.
“Come along for the ride, Keira and Orlando, Florida” says Johnny. We all love Johnny Depp so much that we don’t complain, even though we’d just as soon have them stay at home. They set off on some kind of journey. It’s not explained but Johnny says something clever and does a little jig that’s really good fun.
Then Johnny Depp says something sexually ambiguous and all the men feel a bit confused about their feelings. He’s just so lovely, smiling and being friendly, dancing away.
Johnny Depp gets killed a bit but that’s only so he can kill the ghost pirates once and for all. Not how they did it in The Fog, but it does the job and then Johnny is brought back to life because everyone loves him so much. Then he just stands there, all glorious and shiny, basking in our love.
All in all, I’d call Pirates of the Caribbean a maritime revolution in cinema. No stars.

title: “Matt S Confused Reviews Pirates Of The Caribbean” ShowToc: true date: “2025-08-13” author: “Michael Armstrong”

“We should have got the fast passes,” says one of your party. You know they’re right, but it already cost a ridiculously large amount to get in and at the time you flat-out refused to pay any more through indignation.
Finally you’re on the film.
“This had better be fucking good now,” says the audience, united as one.
“She’s wicked. I think I’m going to give her this ring,” says Orlando, Florida.
“No, you fucking don’t,” says Frodo, grabbing it and then taking a nine hour stroll, twelve if you watch the extended cut.
“Alright Keira” says Orlando, Florida.
“Fuck off Disney World, Orlando, Florida. We have no screen chemistry at all. Bring old Johnny Depp on. He’s always dancing away, like he’s in the Rolling Stones or something,” she responds.
“Isn’t Keith Richards his Dad?” questions Gareth from The Office.
“Yeah,” says Keira “but I wish he wasn’t. He might be a Rolling Stone but Keith Richards is no actor.”
Then Johnny Depp turns up and we all have such a laugh. He was mincing it up and dancing away. I suppose you had to be there.
Now there’s a dead ghost pirate after Johnny Depp.
“Come along for the ride, Keira and Orlando, Florida” says Johnny. We all love Johnny Depp so much that we don’t complain, even though we’d just as soon have them stay at home. They set off on some kind of journey. It’s not explained but Johnny says something clever and does a little jig that’s really good fun.
Then Johnny Depp says something sexually ambiguous and all the men feel a bit confused about their feelings. He’s just so lovely, smiling and being friendly, dancing away.
Johnny Depp gets killed a bit but that’s only so he can kill the ghost pirates once and for all. Not how they did it in The Fog, but it does the job and then Johnny is brought back to life because everyone loves him so much. Then he just stands there, all glorious and shiny, basking in our love.
All in all, I’d call Pirates of the Caribbean a maritime revolution in cinema. No stars.