But Mega Man isn’t the only star of his self-titled adventures. There are plenty of memorable villains along for the ride, all ready to end the Blue Bomber’s journey at the end of each diabolical level. Of course, they’re not always memorable for the right reasons. While some of these bosses are fun to fight and are cool designs, there are some bad guys that don’t quite reach that level of creativity.
WORST
Top Man
Mega Man 3 (1990) Imagine your childhood dream coming true! You’ve got a job designing badass robot villains for your favorite video game. How many games would it take before you based one on a spinning top? For most humans, or even gorillas trained to recognize mechanical objects, this number has at least seven digits (or “ook ook OOOK >throws bananas<"). Or maybe he’s just distracted by the way his stage features huge bolts flying across the screen to screw into nuts, meaning he lives in a vast collection of robot pornography.
Bubble Man
Mega Man 2 (1988) Bubble Man combines all the fun of a video game water stage with the lethality of water balloons. The water level makes you jump higher than normal, and spikes on the level’s ceiling will kill you when you do. Even his own stage is too ashamed of its boss, trying to prevent you from seeing the tragedy of Bubble Man.
Pump Man
Mega Man 10 (2010) Pump Man is the shittiest possible boss, living in a sewer complete with torrents of brown flowing water. No wonder he turned evil and tried to destroy humanity: he’s constantly drenched in the worst biological products, and if he looks up he only sees our worst side. We think water genuinely shorts out Capcom’s circuitry for bosses. Nothing else can explain Pump Man. When you break into his room he vigorously pumps himself to emit fluid and fires it at you. His first appearance shows him leaping up, vigorously working his own handle. We’re not saying he’s a wanker, but he uses his own introduction to demonstrate the fact.
WEIRDEST
Strike Man
Mega Man 10 (2010) Rendering American culture through Japanese game development is a clash of cultures Mega Man was never programmed to handle. Capcom made the most fundamental error possible. If you’re designing a robot to kick ass and represent baseball, and use the ball instead of the bat, you need to file an error report on yourself. Mega Man’s default setting is firing slow spheres that hurt people. A robot based on baseball could have returned every one of those buster shots and become effectively invincible. But of course he’d be invincible, as he’d technically be Bat Man.
Oil Man
Mega Man Powered Up (2006) Oil Man, because Racism Man didn’t pass initial censors. Or anyone with basic human senses. Or so you’d think, but they released it in Japan, with only a hasty palette-swap from black with big pink lips to blue with yellow, adding the thinnest possible layer of deniability to the fact that holy shit, someone released this in 2006. Oil Man was extraordinarily out of place in the kid-friendly Powered Up art style. Though aiming this stain on character design at children may be the only way to find an audience that doesn’t immediately start swearing at this bullshit. On the upside, if Dr. Wily really was trying to upset humanity with his Robot Masters, this would show he’d found the way to do it. Luckily, Mega Man smashed him before he could could continue with Sexism Man and Homophobic Man.
Slash Man
Mega Man 7 (1995) The weirdest thing about Not Quite Copyright Infringing Man is that they had a much better idea in the same level and didn’t bother to use it. Halfway through Slash Man’s stage, you’re forced to flee from a screen-filling Tyrannosaurus Rexbot.
BEST
Metal Man
Mega Man 2 (1988) Metal Man has one of the best weapons in the game, one of the best songs in any game, and the fact he’s easy doesn’t leave you feeling disappointed—it makes you feel awesome! And very, very well armed.
Splash Woman
Mega Man 9 (2008) In 2009, we got the first and only female Robot Master of the classic series. The random chance of getting through more than sixty opponents without ever facing a woman are quintillions to one. Splash Woman learned from the mistakes of past water-themed bosses, too. Her water level isn’t nearly as annoying as Bubble Man’s, while she kicks enough ass to exterminate every other Robot Master one at a time or all together.
Cut Man
Mega Man (1987) Cut Man! The robot based on a random object in the very first game when there was no excuse for having run out of cool ideas. But Capcom was so dedicated to violent danger that it made a man whose only function was “running with scissors.” Either that or the development team only had six bosses to build, and they still clearly sat stuck, looking around the office for something they could use. We’re lucky we didn’t get Wonky Chair Man or Coffee Stain Master. Cut Man isn’t a threat but an action-packed exemplar of how games used to teach you things. No unskippable tutorial. No invisible walls preventing you from using a double-turbo wall-bounce to get to the first objective because you were meant to practice pressing the A button. Cut Man is the hero who sacrificed himself to teach Mega Man the true lesson of success, just like so many small goofy-looking warriors before him. Cut Man was Mega Man’s Mr. Miyagi and Yoda. With scissors welded to his head. Luke McKinney is a freelance contributor.
