One fact that can be totally confirmed at this point in time: Michael Keaton, the man who filled the Batsuit beautifully in Tim Burton’s two Caped Crusader flicks, will have no involvement in The Dark Knight. That makes me frown harder than New Coke and CGI Jabba the Hutt. Yeah, it’s a reboot or a retcon or whatever the trendy-ass computer-based term for a new movie based on an old property is called, but come on, guys – Michael Keaton is ace, pure gold all the way. As far as this writer is concerned, the Mr. Mom vet should be in every movie, ever. Imagine how much better Gigli would have been had MK been hovering in the background, just doin’ his kooky thang. He could have single-handedly saved that Hindenburg-sized disaster. Rumors began circulating shortly after Batman Begins that the Keat was being considered for the sequel’s Clown Prince of Crime. Nolan decided to go younger, sleeker, and more Australian, which is fine. It’s his movie. However, it can’t be denied that Keaton’s arched eyebrows and sly, almost demented grin would have looked pretty killer in the villain’s famous whiteface. Could he have played the psychotic jester convincingly, though? Hey, look at Beetlejuice again. Mike was basically doing a Borscht Belt Joker there. Lose the Jackie Mason angle and you’ve got one raw, evil dude. Furthermore, Keaton’s presence as the major bad guy in The Dark Knight would have bridged the generation gap between all us old bastards who were primed for Batman ’89 and all the tadpoles who think Burton’s movies were “totally gay.” Unfortunately, Keaton could probably never play the Joker in anything for one fatal reason: his hair is too curly. #11: Harvey Dent #10: Rachel Dawes This is in no way meant as a slam against Maggie Gyllenhaal. I would like to state for the record that I find her extremely, supremely attractive from head to toe. Furthermore, I really liked her in that thing I saw her in. However, Magpie looks absolutely nothing like the original Rachel Dawes, Katie Holmes, who had to bow out of The Dark Knight because, uh, what? Scheduling conflicts? Is anybody buying that? It’s surely because her husband is fucking crazy and his religion somehow forbids her from participating in any film that doesn’t openly suggest L. Ron Hubbard was our true Lord and Saviour, right? Anyway, if they were gonna go that far away from petite, mousy brunette for the new Rachel Dawes, why not just throw Keaton in a damn dress? I’d love to hear his sexy girl voice. I bet it’s soft and reassuring. This is the role they gave Eric Roberts. Seeing his smug ass in the trailer nearly made me vomit. He’s got this look on his face that literally says, “Yeah, I’m in the new Batman movie. How you like them apples, Julia?” I just know he’s gonna be like that the whole time. Keaton’s way more professional than that. Besides, we all saw Johnny Dangerously. We know he can do flashy mobster. #8: Mike Engel This is the role they gave Brat Pack vet Anthony Michael Hall. Insiders are saying this Engel character will be like Robert Wuhl’s spunky reporter in the ‘89 Batman. Comic relief? The Keat’s got that shit sewn up! Night Shift, Mr. Mom, Gung Ho, The Dream Team…what more proof do you need that Michael Keaton can lay down the funny? He’s the sole reason the Jim Belushi sitcom Working Stiffs lasted more than two episodes! He was even funny in that Shakespeare adaptation they made with Keanu Reeves. Yuks flow like water from MK. Plus, how cute would he be in a little hat with a press card sticking out of it? #7: Alfred Pennyworth Who says Bruce Wayne’s loyal butler has to be English? Can’t millionaire playboys have American butlers? Why are the British coming over here and taking all our service jobs? It’s not fair to the thousands of classy, erudite U.S. citizens who look great in white gloves. How about we send a few Long Island girls over to the U.K. to take away some of your precious nanny jobs? How would you like that, England? Not very much, I bet! Because you know you wanna see Keaton with a hot porn ‘stache. #5: The Scarecrow #4: Gotham City Bank Manager We all know by now the Joker’s first crime in The Dark Knight is a daring bank robbery. Throwing Keaton in there as the bank manager would have made for pretty wild scene. The new Joker gets all up in the old Batman’s grill. They could have had a moment where their eyes lock, and Keat squints like he almost recognizes Clowny Clown Clown. Then the blue dye packs in the money could explode all over the two before the audience has a chance to groan. How hot would it be if one of those clowns pulled off his mask and it was Keaton? What if every member of the Joker’s entourage was a former Bat-actor? Clooney, Kilmer, O’Donnell, all hidden under cheap dime store Halloween gear. Guaranteed if there was a major reveal like that, more than one person in every theater in the world would shout, “Oh, SNAP!” non-ironically. #2: Bruce Wayne #1: Michael Keaton Yes, Michael Keaton as himself, the ultimate cameo. Here’s how I envision it: the Keat would be sitting on a bench reading a newspaper with a very noticeable Adam West sitting next to him. The new Batman whizzes by on his ridiculous-ass Bat pod. “Damn kids and their razor scooters!” Keaton would say while rustling his paper, not really paying attention to his immediate surroundings. West would raise his finger and open his mouth as if to speak, but then would think better of it. Or maybe he could just do a take to the camera with a look on his face that says, Can you believe this guy? Then we’d pan over past West to show a portly Burt Ward, who would say something like, “Holy inattentive newshound, Batman – I mean, Adam!” Again, solid evidence that proves I suck at writing movies (I’m not exactly great at lists, either).
