The doomed humans of the future are, of course, the children of today. Kids, one day this overpopulated, polluted planet torn apart by Terminators will all be yours. Lucky you. Because school only teaches you basic maths, college only teaches you about unrequited love and university only teaches you how to get in debt, it’s up to media like films and books to fill in the gaps. We learn everything from the flicks, from how to behave like a normal person in public to how survive a holocaust. If I’d relied purely on the national curriculum, I’d have no idea how to run a pan-American drug cartel, break out of prison and beat off alien invasions. It is only through the movies that I’ve developed these crucial life skills. Come Judgement Day (Terminator 2) the first humans to be incinerated will be the after-school homework help club. Mark my words: the final human survivor colonies will be full of film geeks. Pitched as it is a pre-teen cinemagoers, the movie of the moment that’s worrying me is Nanny McPhee And The Big Bang. A sequel is bad enough, but if it brainwashes fragile young minds into accepting some warped creationist outlook, then I fear for future generations. The idea that a second-rate Mary Poppins with warts is the all-powerful, omniscient architect of the Universe is absurd and deeply unsettling. We’ve seen the future (thanks for the tip, Kyle) so what we really need to know is how the seeds of civilisation were sown and life on Earth began. If they are going to offer an alternative to the scientific hard fact of the Big Bang and add a fictional, fantastical flourish to proceedings, they can at least try and make it imaginatively appealing. Thanks to the movies, the murky void of prehistory has been illuminated and we can finally appreciate where we’ve come from. If the immensity of the Universe and the whole ‘Big Bang of 13 billion years ago’ thing is too overwhelming for you, the origin theories presented in the flicks are easier to digest and are less likely to send you into existential crisis. If it wasn’t the Big Bang – whether brought about by God, coincidence or a nightmare nanny – semi-viable alternatives can be found in the following films… Planet Of The Apes Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution is essentially accurate but upside-down. We’re evolving into primates and those humans that don’t adapt will be enslaved by the apes much to the chagrin of Charlton Heston. Jurassic Park 2001: A Space Odyssey It all began when a primordial ape touched a sentient black monolith which, in turn, kick-started the evolution of civilisation. Somewhere along the way the totalitarian red-light computer got shut down and, freed from the technological overlord’s control, humankind was cast through a star-gate to be born anew as children of the Universe after a multicoloured mega-trip. The entire Universe is actually a simulated artificial reality overseen by a paranoid elderly gentleman with an expansive vocabulary and a room full of television screens. The Science Of Sleep Being John Malkovich The Universe was created when someone opened a door in actor John Malkovich’s head. Because Malkovich played a confused drunk in Burn After Reading the whole thing became befuddled and is now more baffling than a Charlie Kaufman movie. A new Universe and state of being was created when Conquistador Hugh Jackman chewed on mythical Mayan plants and discovered the Tree of Life growing out of his torso. It’s either that or everything was created afresh when he crashed the tree and his cosmic meditation orb into a nebula. Affected as he is by his wife’s terminal cancer and the fact he’s living three lives simultaneously, he can’t quite be certain of anything except that he can’t beat death (neither in drag races nor in roller derby). Men In Black How do we deal with that, eh, Kyle? James’ previous column can be found here.
