We know that Spielberg is a living legend among filmmakers who excels at making touching friendship tales that tug at your heartstrings, bombard you with spectacle and get you high on adventure. He’s also a dab hand at pulling off period detail and has a proven track record in producing epic war stories. It’s a project of promise, especially when you note that the Master of the Leitmotif and long-time collaborator John Williams is providing the score. Furthermore, alongside the finest equine performers in the industry, War Horse has top British acting talents like Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hiddleston, Emily Watson and David Thewlis bringing the human touch. In spite of all this, there are naysayers (neigh-sayers?). Spielberg has his critics and for some is a controversial figure and the source of a great amount of upset. (For instance, “E.T. traumatised me as a child!” “He nuked the fridge!” “He infantilised us all, brainwashed us with saccharine, mawkish nostalgia and suckered us into a solipsistic state where we unquestioningly accept Reagan’s American Dream!”) In truth, horseys are simply an inferior, unmagical variation of Pegasus and unicorns. As much as I love animals and the natural world, equestrian beasts aren’t right at the top of my favourite creatures list. I’m sure that War Horse will make me feel for the fillies, however, though for others it undoubtedly won’t be the case. Nevertheless, it’s essential to see features that represent the horror of war and depict the toll it takes on both humans and animals. If you’re not drawn to Spielberg and his horse flick then you’re going to miss out. Fear not if you can’t hack War Horse, though, for I have alternative movie pitches that will put the beasts on the battlefield and provide the profound drama that you require in order to cultivate increased animal empathy. No nags and no Spielberg, here are possible pictures that will entertain you and give you exactly what you need… It’s a movie adaptation of the classic PlayStation game Hogs Of War which sent comedy anthropomorphic piggies into World War I-era combat. Rik Mayall is back to provide all the voices and the result is a glorious, gleeful blast of national stereotypes animated up into an epic clash between gung ho grunts eager to turn their foes into bacon and claim Saustralia’s diminishing swill reserves. War Sheep-Pig If you’d prefer a live-action porcine picture, Babe 3 (a.k.a. War Sheep-Pig) despatches everyone’s favourite talking Australian shepherd hog into a ravaged wasteland where warlords mercilessly slaughter lambs in the Wool Wars. George Miller gets to combine his piggy pictures with his Mad Max work and Babe gets to go blasting across the outback with a bazooka. War Chipmunks It’s high time that the irritatingly indestructible Alvin And The Chipmunks franchise went dark, and this flick sees the squeaky trio drafted and dropped in Afghanistan. How will Alvin, Simon and Theodore cope ‘in the shit’? Will their singing win the battle of hearts and minds? Will al-Qaeda crumble when confronted by the very worst of Western culture? With Grave Of The Fireflies, Studio Ghibli has already shown that beautiful Japanese anime and war tragedy are compatible. I’d like to see another Ghibli film set in a real life historical conflict, but to ensure it doesn’t get as heartbreakingly depressing as the aforementioned Isao Takahata masterpiece, I reckon Totoro – studio icon and cutesy magic creature who’s conquered the hearts of millions of geeks the globe over – should be dropped into No Man’s Land. He bounces on the Boche and sends Catbus to scoop up the casualties, the Battle of the Somme made so much cheerier by the smile of a furry Japanese monster and his soot spirit friends. War Xenomorphs If Ridley Scott is returning to the Alien series to add new twists to his own legend with Prometheus, then it’s only right that Jim should do the same, only without any subtlety or sophistication whatsoever. Really, I’ll take any excuse to weep over HR Giger monsters, and Cameron will take any excuse to bring out his big guns and play with his big box of digi-tricks. War Muppets Coming round to theatrical puppetry, we’ve kind of gone full circle and returned to the roots of War Horse. I’m not especially optimistic about the chance of these pitches, so you’ll have to give Spielberg and Joey a shot. Gee up, then, and let’s have less of the neighsaying.
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