Brainwashed into Beatles frenzy by The Beatles: Rock Band marathons and too many repeat listens of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, everyone seems to be talking about the ‘60s icons. However, amidst all the documentaries and column inches devoted to detailing how the Fab Four inspired everything from the invention of apple pie and the music industry’s discovery of facial hair to the Moon landing and the end of the Cold War, there’s something that’s not being talked about. I don’t see much about the films that the band made in their heyday. If you really want to see a great movie about The Beatles, watch spoof mockumentary The Rutles. For the genuine Fab Four, taking a trip on Yellow Submarine probably ranks as the most appealing and creatively outstanding of the Liverpudlian group’s official cinematic excursions. It’s a shame, therefore, that out of all the band’s bad movies, Disney has chosen to remake the psychedelic under-the-sea adventure. The end result will most likely be an offensive child-friendly CGI splurge that expunges all the acid-fuelled imagination of the original. Why would they want to remake Yellow Submarine? When there are mania-afflicted consumers out there desperate for more Fab Four nostalgia bits, why not? Following in the footsteps of the Beatles-inspired musical Across The Universe that was released a few years back, come Christmas we’ll also be seeing the dramatisation of the band’s pre-fame origins story in Nowhere Boy. In order to save the world from a ropey Yellow Submarine do-over, take Beatlemania to unexplored territory and stop stagnation setting in, here are some pitches for new Beatle-centric motion pictures for the movie industry’s consideration… Maxwell’s Silver Hammer She Came In Through The Bathroom Window Gritty psychological thriller in which poor Ringo finds himself threatened and fighting in a battle of wits against a wild stalker who won’t stop sending him fan mail. In the shocking climactic twist it emerges that the haunting menace is actually three different people: his bandmates. From the very beginning they were simply trying to spook him out of the group in order to get a better drummer but, alas, the revelations come too late. After a battle royale with kitchen knives, no Beatle is left standing and Yoko Ono claims all the royalties. This is, of course, the second twist and the post-credits sequence reveals that Yoko had planned it all along. Happiness Is A Warm Gun The Fab Four’s ultra violent men-on-a-mission movie finds them on covert ops in the jungles of South East Asia. Their target is band guru Maharishi Mahesh who’s been taken captive by communist guerrillas and it’s up to The Beatles to brutally terminate all the terrorists with extreme prejudice. The sequel, Back In The USSR, sees the band tracking their way through Outer Siberia and torturing every ex-KGB renegade in their way until the secret plans for the Yellow Submarine are recovered. A Beatle’s work is never done… Why Don’t We Do It In The Road? I Am The Walrus Schlocky creature feature that sees the Fab Four freak out and turn into Were-Walruses after experimenting their buddy Dr. Robert’s dodgiest substances. Thought that The Frog Song was the worst thing to come out of Paul McCartney? Think again as drug horror makes The Beatles mutate into giant beasts in the goriest transformation sequences this side of The Thing and The Fly. They’ve got tusks, flippers and an arsenal of catchy tunes: be afraid, be very afraid… Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr wake up in a future space age to discover that they’re now grumpy old men in this sci-fi fantasy that blends Howl’s Moving Castle and Blade Runner. Struggling to cope with this unusual new era, Paul dyes his hair purple and the pair use the advanced technology at their disposal to resuscitate their two dead bandmates and bring back Beatlemania to fix the hole in the utopian society that’s forgotten them. Actually, this one could be done as a documentary… James’ previous column can be found here.
