And how ace would it be to party with George Clooney? He’s the kind of Hollywood star you could kick back and have a drink with. In all his handsome roguishness he’s like a real life version of Han Solo, except instead of the Millennium Falcon and a Wookiee sidekick he’s got a pet pig and a palace in the Italian lakes. In my view, at least, you can’t hate Clooney. Aside from being a capable and committed actor and a pretty charming, good-looking chap, he does good work as a supporter of independent ‘non-commercial’ cinema and as a humanitarian activist as well. Women want him and men want to be him; and I’m pretty sure, alternately, that many men want him and some women want to be him as well. Still, would we like Clooney so much if his sole purpose in life was telling poor working schmucks that they’re being laid off? In Jason Reitman’s Up In The Air, Clooney plays ‘corporate downsizing expert’ Ryan Bingham. Remove the euphemistic phrasing and essentially he’s the delivery boy of death, bringing bad news that bosses are too spineless to impart themselves. I’m having trouble grasping this notion and taking it seriously. I can’t face up to the idea that Clooney could do such a thing for a living. This is an elaborate prank. Even though he’s done deep, meaningful and serious (in, say, Solaris and Syriana), his record as a comedy actor and his glowing charisma convinces me that this is all a con. Say “Up In The Air with George Clooney” out loud and you’ll see what I mean. That sounds more like a high-budget porn movie or an A-list Mile High Club initiation ceremony than a timely Oscar-worthy flick reflecting the current recession. I also can’t approach the film sensibly because aeroplanes and airports are central to the story, which inevitably leads my thoughts back to Airplane! and, concomitantly, I’ll crash into delirium. Show me a cockpit and I’ll expect Otto the Autopilot to inflate behind the controls. Give me a whole movie grounded in the world of long distance air travel and I’ll spend the entire length of it expecting punch-lines that are probably never going to come. Affected as I am, as soon as I spy airport scenery, Up In The Air doesn’t have a chance of escaping Airplane!‘s distracting influence. Instead of the actual movie I imagine fantasy scenarios of Clooney descending the stairs from his sky carriage to greet some unfortunate individual: “Good to see you Ernie, Sorry to be abrupt but I’ve got a message from New York.” Ernie gasps anxiously and inquires, “New York?! What is it?” Clooney replies dead-pan: “It’s a big city on the east coast with skyscrapers and yellow taxis, but that’s not important right now. Look Ernie, the truth is that the company is going to have to let you go…” Ernie blinks in disbelief and looks to the suave figure in front of him hoping for reassurance. “Surely you can’t be serious?!” Clooney cocks his head to the side, looks right into Ernie’s soul with his honest eyes and utters the cutting response, “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.” Cue melodramatic music and Ernie committing suicide in tragicomic fashion (swan-diving into a jet engine, stealing a shoe-bomber’s boots) whilst Bingham sighs forlornly and reaches into his pocket to retrieve a small brown packet. “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit magic mushrooms.” Either that or he spontaneously bursts into an a cappella rendition of Man Of Constant Sorrow by the baggage collection carousel. Even if the recession era re-enactment of the definitive spoof doesn’t come off and Up In The Air doesn’t descend into total farce, you still can’t dispute that, if you’re going to be laid off, being told by George Clooney lines the cloud with silver. You may now have no income and no stability, but at least you’ve got George’s sympathetic smile to spur you on as you seek to claim jobseeker’s allowance. Everything is much better when Clooney is present. Despite the fact that the world is disintegrating and you’ve been left desperate, destitute and depressed, it’s just comforting to know that George is out there making witty and sophisticated movies. A DVD copy of Up In The Air should be included in the redundancy package of every downsizing company. The least sacked employees deserve is Clooney to cushion the blow.
