Ever since I was a little gremlin (before I fell into a puddle and turned into something horrible) movies have made me want to travel. I watched Raiders Of The Lost Ark and wanted to journey to exotic Egypt. I saw The Last Samurai and longed to leave for traditional rural Japan. I watched Return Of The Jedi and decided that I’d emigrate to the forest moon of Endor and open a 5-star noodle bar called Wok Ewok. Maybe it’s testament to how depressing Britain is or how wonderful the envisioned worlds of the screen are, but most times I watch a movie I think, “Yeah, I want to go there.” Bad Lieutenant – Port Of Call: New Orleans is not one of those films. The tourist board of the Mardi Gras city devastated by Hurricane Katrina in 2005 should probably sue Werner Herzog. Nevertheless, Bad Lieutenant wasn’t a total letdown on the life-altering-crossroad-epiphany moments front. I came away with the realisation that I could make it as a policeman. I never thought I had what it takes to be real po-lice like Dirty Harry or the guys in The Wire. They make crime fighting look like a complex science or a talent written into your genes at conception. Having absorbed Herzog’s feature length manual in ‘How To Be A Policeman in a Chaotic World’, however (with demonstrations kindly provided by Nicolas Cage) I’m now convinced that a career in law enforcement is possible. This is all far-fetched wishful thinking, though. I’m not strong enough to handle a Magnum, I’ll never be as agile as Jackie Chan and last time I grew a porn star ‘tache and went out in public I ended up getting tasered and incarcerated in a zoo for two weeks. Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure that I could make a decent fist of being a more mundane cop after watching Bad Lieutenant. I don’t have Dirty Harry firepower, kung fu acrobatics or facial hair that all the bad mothers dig, but the essential knowledge and insight are all there thanks to Herzog and Cage. Studying how Cage’s Lt. Terrence McDonagh chases homicide cases despite crippling back injury, drug addiction and a whole spate of other personal difficulties in dilapidated New Orleans, I reckon I’m ready for duty. I only really learned how to be a total shambles of a human from Abel Ferrara’s Bad Lieutenant, and Harvey Keitel’s eponymous law man is no kind of role model. In contrast, Port Of Call: New Orleans is ‘Effective Real Po-Lice Work for Dummies’ and any attentive disciple of McDonagh can thrive in the police force, get promotions, get criminals and get sex, drugs and iguana-tinged hallucinations as a bonus. Bear in mind the following points from the McDonagh Method (soon to be made available as an Open University course) and you will make it as a good bad cop… If you’ve got a badge, use it and use it often. It’s your passport to absolute power over mere mortals and enables you to stop, search, blackmail, sexually proposition and confiscate drugs from anybody at will. With a flash of metal and an “I’m a cop” justification, you’re free to raid a pharmacy, beat up old ladies and just be an utter bastard. You are the law, Judge Dredd. Real po-lice take their authority and run with it. Take Advantage of the Police Station Stockroom Don’t Listen to Val Kilmer When Kilmer’s character Stevie plays tough cop in the interrogation room, McDonagh comes over all compassionate and affable. Later, when Stevie wants to shoot a criminal, McDonagh says no. I detect a pattern here. Real po-lice ask, “What would Val Kilmer do?” and then do the opposite. The secret of McDonagh’s success is the auspicious stoner artefact he keeps on his person. With a lucky crack pipe you make the statement: “I’m no humble street junkie. I’m a sophisticated coke addict with the gods on my side.” Blow on it six times and the solutions to unsolved crimes will be delivered to you by a break dancing phantom. Real po-lice have fortune-bringing drug paraphernalia. I can’t afford a cruiser ticket to Endor, so for now I’m condemned to a sad place. The best I can do is secure a position of authority and manipulate the system to my own ends. James’ previous column can be found here.
