When they arrive I want to greet them properly and ensure that my behaviour, attitude and actions are all correct. I worry that I’ll get it wrong, though, and commit some pan-galactic faux-pas, cause cosmic offense and potentially start a horrific war that spans the Milky Way. Contact day will be a milestone moment in the universe’s history, and no one wants awkward scenes or unnecessary ill-feeling on what should be a celebration. Our parents and schoolteachers never taught us anything, and the government keeps frustratingly silent, so altogether we’re left grappling hopelessly with a great dark void. At some point, some political or educational authority should have prepared a PSA entitled ‘What to Do When the Extraterrestrials Come to Visit Earth’ so we’d be ready for the occasion. Unfortunately, we never got that instructional reel with glorious retro graphics, an ominous voiceover and the man who played Darth Vader (suggested title: ‘The Little Green Men Crossing Code’). Instead The Man decided to continually push a ‘keep ‘em in the dark’ policy and poured all energies into clandestine entities like the Men in Black and Area 51 instead. Without a good candid government acting as a guide, the masses have no one to turn to but tinfoil hat conspiracy theorists and filmmakers. I’m reluctant to trust anyone who adopts aluminium turkey wrap as a fashion statement, so the moviemakers are the ones to follow. Spielberg allegedly milked his insight during production of Close Encounters Of The Third Kind and E.T., though Paul might have been lying and may just be a fictional creature conjured up by Industrial Light and Magic. You can never trust Hollywood, and as we acknowledge that, we become even more aware that we’re operating from a position of ignorance, woefully underprepared for the moment we finally meet non-terrestrial beings. Still, taking tips from the screen is better than nothing, and I was hoping that The Watch might provide a few pointers, seeing as it’s about a bunch of Average Joes reacting to an outer space arrival. My hopes were smashed when I saw the trailer, though, as I realised that the film’s Neighbourhood Watch four piece – busybody Ben Stiller, lusty Richard Ayoade, psycho Jonah Hill and doofus Vince Vaughn – are a bunch of prime bozos. (I should point out here, kids, that drink-driving is never funny unless you’re drink-driving a golf cart. Way to go, Bill Murray!) The Watch also appears to be following the trail blazed by the majority of alien visitation flicks and treats the aliens as an antagonistic force that should be opposed by whatever means necessary. Movies that celebrate peaceful contact, like the aforementioned Spielberg pair, are rarer, and even starry-eyed Steven ditched this affectation in favour of open Martian hostility for his remake of The War Of The Worlds. Most of the time, terrorised human beings find themselves rallying to resist unsympathetic evil invaders intent on destroying major landmarks, stealing Earth’s resources and obliterating the planet’s native population. The aliens are rudimentary callous enemies, which leads me to another crucial point about the cinematic portrayals of encounters between Earth and non-Terra lifeforms: the films are mainly interested in the human reaction to the arrivals and not the arrivals themselves. Skyline, Battleship and Battle: Los Angeles are three recent blockbuster examples that offer up one-dimensional portrayals of impersonal alien antagonists. The creatures are simply there to spread terror and wanton destruction, and only deserve return aggression from the earthlings who are the main focus, fleshed out as they are with backstories and character. The extraterrestrials function chiefly as the threatening cause of special effects carnage and as MacGuffins from beyond the Milky Way. An alien invasion, in truth, is just an opportunity to explore Earthly concerns and resolve human conflicts. Attack The Block is a prime case study, the aggressive assault of the glow-toothed space nasties allowing London council estate kids a chance to bridge racial and generational gaps and heroically salve fractured community spirit. Attention on the aliens and attempts at empathy or understanding are not on the agenda, and The Watch will no doubt stick with that tradition. No sage edification here – just hanging with the guys as they blow up a cow with the extraterrestrial tech they’ve uncovered. I’ll just have to go back to Close Encounters Of The Third Kind as I watch the stars and anxiously anticipate the landing. My synthesiser is plugged in, and I’ve built a mountain out of mashed potato. Please, come in peace. You can read James’ previous column here. Follow Den Of Geek on Twitter right here. And be our Facebook chum here.
