Indeed, the Big Black beyond the stratosphere is anxiety-inducing as an infinite unknown with terrifying potential. As the Alien poster put it, “In space, no one can hear you scream” so the void is the perfect backdrop on which to build a sci-fi chiller. It makes me wonder why there haven’t been more horror films set there. Imagine, for example, how great it would have been if Stanley Kubrick had channelled 2001: A Space Odyssey into The Shining and sent Jack Torrance crazy in space. Likewise, picture The Evil Dead on the Moon, or The Lunar Chainsaw Massacre. If there are going to be no more manned missions to the orb, the least that filmmakers can do is visit the Moon more often in the movies they produce, and adopt it as horror cinema’s prime location. Moving away from the multiplex to the real non-fictional world, it looks like no one’s going to be setting foot on the Moon anymore. Lunar landings, once the dream of the future, will now be a thing of the past, as NASA puts its shuttles in a hangar or sells them on the black market to reclusive collectors who employ shady goons that look like Pete Postlethwaite to conduct their business transactions. You don’t just say “okay, no more lunar missions from now on. That’s all, folks!” because of one bad trip in which a trio of expendable astronauts got spooked out. The truth is that there haven’t been any more Moon landings for a multitude of reasons and so, for the sake of full accuracy and clarity, here they are… Frightening flying cow threat The cow was never heard of again, which is cause for concern for Earth’s space exploration experts. The risks of running into a spacey case of Mad Cow Disease and the prospect of having your shuttle windscreen smashed by a colossal monster moo-beast are too much to bear for the majority of would-be cosmonauts. No cheese please Perhaps the cow hopped beyond the stratosphere because it felt special cultural affinity with the core material in the Moon’s composition. Though school textbooks and science teachers deny the indisputable truth that the orb is a floating dairy product, we all know that the Moon is made of cheese. Popular pressure from private industry (damn you Dairylea! Blast you Babybel!), and worries over rising obesity levels have worked against initiatives to explore extraterrestrial territories with a higher-saturated fat value. Concern over cholesterol levels, here, has triumphed over the spirit of conquest and curiosity. Domestic appliance disturbance Insufferable solitude and psychological breakdown risks Scientists are now more sensitive to the psychological needs and wellbeing of space-bound travellers, and have compassionate concerns about exposing astronauts to lengthy isolation, the uncanny environment and computer equipment that sounds like Kevin Spacey. You’ve seen how Sam Rockwell suffered in Moon. NASA’s werewolf worries When several young members of NASA’s staff started howling and sprouting claws and whiskers during pre-lunar launch slideshows in the early 80s, the organisation got suspicious. Apprehensions about optimum full moon exposure, and an astro-werewolf publicity scandal linger, just in case the rumoured lycanthrope curse really did sweep the dorm rooms of Cape Canaveral’s bootcamp after a group hiking trip to the Yorkshire dales. It starts with a bit of well-intentioned moonwalking, and next thing you know, you’re completely disconnected from reality and living an insanely opulent popstar lifestyle of excessive plastic surgery, pet chimps and Peter Pan fantasy. Moonwalking is a dangerous addiction that leads to Michael Jackson metamorphosis and, inevitably, a tragic end. Unless future missions ensure that astronauts only hover above ground and never step on the Moon’s surface, moonwalker mania is a present peril. “That’s no Moon…” James’ previous column can be found here. You can reach James on his Twitter feed here, see his film cartoons here and more sketches here.
