The White Queen is dank and depressing, but it’s not actually dark. If you’re going to call yourself a witch, be a witch. When you’re accused of sorcery make satanic sauce, don’t suck off fifteen-year-old sympathy from a queen, no matter how bad she is. And that voodoo doll? The two figures made of lead bound in devilish union, shit, I bought one of those at the Pink Pussycat boutique. All the battles in The White Queen seem to happen on the way to the wedding chapel. Battlefields and wedding consummations are perfunctory at best. We learn that King Edward (Max Irons) is now the man who used to be king after we missed all the action that cost him his job. But we get to see crazy Henry all propped up and bobbing. All these reluctant brides are pieces in a larger picture, and here I thought they were pieces on a game of thrones. Warwick (James Frain) is turning out to be some kind of pill. I was all for him a week ago, playing at being the king maker, but he really can’t make a deal and here he is disturbing the man who won’t be king George (David Oakes) when he’s trying to get his nut off with a local whore, who Warwick sends away without paying. Fucking royal scum. I’m rooting for the white queen now because she’s a witch and, hey, I always root for the witch. Otherwise they turn you into a toad, which isn’t as much fun as it seem. Warwick is outmaneuvered again. It’s no wonder they’re all going to be beaten by an eight year old. Warwick backed the wrong horse so he auctions off his daughters to the highest bidder offering the lowest return. If only to split her up from her sister Lady Isabel Neville (Eleanor Tomlinson), Warwick arranges a marriage with his family’s nemesis Margaret d’Anjou, the Bad Queen. The once and future kingmaker cheerily informs his daughter Lady Anne Neville (Juliet Aubrey) that she going to marry Prince Edward, the Bad Son of the Bad Queen. He doesn’t tell her that The Bad Queen was going to put the evil eye on the newlyweds while they were making bouncy bouncy, but that, too was a sad affair. The sex was joyless and angry, with a little off with his head thrown in. And even then, too short. I knew when I saw Elizabeth in the beginning of the episode obviously pregnant, her stomach getting bigger with each step she took down those stone spirals that she was going to give birth by the end. Didn’t she see it coming? Wouldn’t she be more prepared? Why would someone so pregnant wear such a complicated dress? I understand there were no maternity clothes back then but the birth was easier than the buttons. Den of Geek Rating: 3 Out of 5 Stars Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter for all news updates related to the world of geek. And Google+, if that’s your thing!
