When I found out that they were making a sequel 18 years after the fact, starring Larry the Cable guy and C-list wrestler Santino Marella, while directed by the guy who made Carrot Top’s Chairman of the Board, I knew it would be a Molotov cocktail of crap. I had to see it. The movie isn’t a sequel in the traditional sense. None of the characters from the movie are referenced in any way. It’s more thematic. If anything, I could at least scrutinize it to see how it compares to the first one. I mean, it isn’t like it’s ruining a fantastic franchise or anything. Larry plays Larry, fittingly enough, a divorced part-time truck driver and father of Noel (Kennedi Clements). His ex-wife Trish (Kristen Robek) just came back from her honeymoon with her new husband Victor (Brian Stepanek) and it’s decided that for Noel’s Christmas break, she’ll ping-pong from one to the other by the day in terms of custody. Larry and Victor, who is incredibly rich, butt heads due to their differing statuses. At the very least, we’re starting all right because a decent enough dynamic is introduced. Larry thinks he can’t compete with Victor’s money while Victor thinks he can’t compete because he’s only the stepfather. Both end up compensating and it escalates into the plot. It is refreshing that the story feels like enough of a follow-up to the original without outright copying it. In the original, Turbo Man was impossible to get because the demand was far higher than the supply to a degree that we no longer see as much these days. In this version, Harrison Bear is something more readily available because the shops and manufacturers aren’t stupid and like making money. It’s just that the way it stays out of Larry’s hands is actually plot-driven rather than an easy plot device, which makes for something far more interesting. To give credit where credit is due, the first act is okay and the third act is actually pretty good. Like, it shockingly brings it all together in a way that I was suddenly interested in the characters and what was going on. It’s just that the second act goes on forever and ever. It becomes a series of skits about Larry trying to find a Harrison Bear through various schemes and then something happens to foil him. It’s a bunch of filler. The movie is being held up by the Larry/Victor rivalry and Victor suddenly stops appearing for huge chunks. It’s a shame this whole section of the movie feels so flat, since comedy aside, the writing is shockingly sort of logical in getting from point A to point B. You know, for a family film. Santino isn’t in the movie all that much and even when he is there, his character Claude doesn’t do anything of note. At all. He’s just there for Larry to have conversations with and keep him company. It’s weird because the movie sets up a villain character named Welling (Eric Breker) who gets the bare minimum of comeuppance when Claude punching him out or humiliating him in some way would have been a perfect use for him. If you watch WWE and see the commercials for Jingle All the Way 2, you might notice that while Santino is shown, he never actually speaks. That’s because he’s completely without his accent, which is weird as hell to hear. Usually in these WWE movies, you can always note that the wrestlers are able to carry themselves as actors. Even The Miz was the best part of The Christmas Bounty. Sadly, I can’t say the same here. Santino is just not a good actor and it really takes you out of every scene he’s in. It’s like his fake Italian accent is the source to all of his powers. In the end, Jingle All the Way 2 is about as bad as you’d expect it to be. The humor is beyond weak and any redeeming parts of the story (such as the last fifteen minutes) are offset by the never-ending series of incidents where Larry tries to find that doll. But you know what? If given the choice between watching this again and watching the Schwarzenegger version? Yeah, I think I’d rather get ‘er done. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter for all news updates related to the world of geek. And Google+, if that’s your thing!
