Except it didn’t, because it can’t ever really move on. So it is that Vin Diesel, riding the success of his ongoing career revival, finds himself starring in a new and sadly half-baked xXx movie as Xander Cage. If that sounds fun, sadly it doesn’t gel as it should: Cage’s allies are characterless nobodies with precisely one skill each. Sniper, thief, martial arts expert, and for some reason, DJ. Their quest: retrieve Pandora’s Box, a piece of hardware that can allow the user to turn the global satellite network into a deadly weapon. Rounding out the cast are Donnie Yen as Special Agent Xiang, the guy who steals the film by delivering the only decent action, and Deepika Padukone as Serena Unger, the love interest and one woman with a hint of backstory and personality. Their respective presences at least allow you to interpret parts of this film as some kind of commentary about India and China establishing themselves as equals on a global economic stage, but I’m not sure that was the point. There are also Russians hanging around as shorthand villains, though frankly that seems far less cartoonishly escapist than it did even a few weeks ago. What success the film has in holding the audience’s interest is mostly down to Vin Diesel himself. While not quite as charismatic as the greats, he does at least evoke the memory of the action hero in its prime, though as time has weathered those guys down to creaking, weary versions of themselves, so goes Diesel. Now 49, he’s getting visibly too old for this shit, and it’s hard to imagine the target audience of this film seeing him as any kind of relatable figure. It’s possible that you can come to this film, switch off your brain and enjoy it for what it is: a plotless movie full of improbable stunts with only the most basic of ideas driving it. But then if that’s what you’re looking for, the medium is already well-serviced. This movie, with its focus-group set pieces and oblivious story just doesn’t have the thrills. You’ve seen it all before. In a different order, perhaps, with different actors for sure, but beyond its basic assembly there’s not a single moment that qualifies as original. Try harder, Xander.
