Well, Griffin feels like his best option is to leave the zoo to Kate (Rosario Dawson) and the other zookeepers and partner up with his brother and sell the aforementioned exotic cars. However, the animals aren’t about to allow that, and the best solution they have is to break their code of silence, actually speak to a human, and teach Griffin how to be a macho, alpha male to win over Stephanie’s heart. Of course, in the process, they’ll manage to keep their best zookeeper at work, but that’s a side benefit. Within five minutes of sitting down, I knew exactly how Zookeeper would play out, and it followed the routine exactly. Man thinks he wants girl, ignores perfect match. Man changes himself to get girl, after using perfect match as jealousy bait. Man hates himself, then realizes that he should’ve just dated perfect match, rather than have wasted his time with girl. Man gets perfect match, who loves him for himself. The end. Zookeeper makes Cars 2 look like Up, and that’s definitely not the case. Even as a kid’s movie goes, and this is definitely aimed at children, it doesn’t work. Sure, the kids would laugh, but the long stretches of exposition, where Kevin James tries to woo the lovely Leslie Bibb? Kids are going to be bored stiff (and so will adults, for that matter). To be honest, I feel bad for everyone involved in this film. When you talk about an all-star cast, this is what you’re talking about. From live-action turns by It-boy, Ken Jeong, and newly minted box office golden boy, Kevin James, to voice appearances by Sylvester Stallone, Cher, Nick Nolte, Adam Sandler, Maya Rudolph, and Don Rickles, this movie has a ton of people who have done significantly better work than this. The only one to do anything even remotely close to make me laugh is Jeong as snake handler zookeeper, Venom. Stallone and Cher have some good chemistry as a pair of lions, but aside from those few dimly lit bright spots? US correspondent Ron Hogan wishes that, for once, a movie needing voice acting would use actual voice actors, rather than just celebrities. Find more by Ron at Shaktronics and PopFi.